Sunday, July 27, 2008


Money doesn't matter, right? I am desperately trying to remind myself of that everyday. Every Hour of everyday. Every Minute. I feel like my heart is breaking just a little bit.

Doug and I have this investment from his horrible tenure at Winco Foods. He is now working for Wells Fargo and has a new IRA that we can start investing into any time we want. So that we can get rid of some debts, we have decided to wait a year to invest, and then once we are on more solid ground, we are going to invest heavily in our future.

Here's the situation: Doug and I made lots of mistakes when we first struck out on our own. We didn't always pull together financially, so when one of us had extra money- it wasn't always spent wisely. Then there was the school bills, medical bills, and jobs that just didn't pay enough or job lay-offs. Basically each year that we lived in Moscow cost us more money than we made in one way or another. We are sitting on some debt. We both just got our portfolio of credit from a credit protection program. Yeah. Bad News. It's really bad when they show the gradient of credit scores and up at the top is "highest" and down at the bottom is says "Lowest" guess where our dots were. I think we were lower than Lowest. Okay maybe not THAT bad- but we both are still in the "HIGH RISK" category. Luckily a few months of getting a few certain bills paid off will help our scores and soon we will be only in the "Moderate Risk" category. *sigh*

So why am I so disappointed? Doug is right. There is this certain filly- I know you all remember my Sweet Talla. If not- here she is! The darling girl herself:

Well, my lovely friends who own her have been so willing to work with me on helping me to buy her- payments etc. I am going to be going back up there to see my friend's newborn baby. My car has a tow package- it would be so wonderful if I could rent a horse trailer and bring her home with me. I wanted to find some free or cheap pasture and keep her there while making a couple hundred dollars worth of payments each month to my friends.

Doug said absolutely not. He's right. We shouldn't rack up more debt than we already have. And what would I do if she got hurt? Be in debt even more to the vet. I just love this little filly. I was her dam's friend the summer I worked at the ranch. I was there and helped the day we collected her sire's semen to inseminate her dam. I was there for a little of her dam's pregnancy. I just missed the birth because I had just given birth myself! This little girl has amazing bloodlines and it would be the first step towards realizing my dream of having a horse ranch. Her grandsire is worth over a million dollars. Like I said- she has amazing bloodlines.

But I can't do it without Doug's okay. It just wouldn't be right. And he has said "NO" very firmly about this. He wants me to have my horse when it's the right time.

So I sit here in mild despair. I know it's silly, buy I love that horse and I can see in her a true start to a lifetime dream.

So I am trying not to be emotional around Doug. I don't want to put this family in worse financial hardship and I don't want to strain our relationship because I "forced" him to go along with what I want. In a way I feel like a spoiled brat who didn't get what she wanted. But at the same time I was so close to starting my dream that I have had since I was about six. I don't know. I know there will "be others" that I can buy but they just aren't the same as one that you help breed yourself. And none will ever be the very first progeny out of her sire ever again. She is it. She is special in so many ways. Sure- there is a foal that will be born this spring that is the exact same bloodlines. It might be a colt. Or it might not survive. I have seen two full blooded sister-mares that while they had similar features, one was almost stallion like- big and bold- and the other was almost delicate of feature. Who knows. Perhaps Talla- my graceful sweet Tala- is the delicate one, and all the other foals out of this pairing will be the bigger boned? This isn't likely- but what if nothing ever comes of the pairing that even compares with Tala? Both her sire and dam are beautiful. Her sire is absolutely stunning.

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